What's this about dongs now?
Just take me to the dongs already! 🍆
It begins, as all true callings do, with a dream.
In 2021 I started really watching horror movies. I'd seen plenty of them beforehand and engaged with analysis blah blah blah, but I wasn't watching a lot of horror movies, and I wasn't watching them often. Not often enough, anyway.
I had been dating a guy who was really into horror- it was one of the things we bonded over- and particularly into B movies, which have a lot of nudity. Specifically female nudity. Now, I'm an overly horny bisexual monster so I dug the overabundance of female nudity, but once I noticed the disparity I couldn't stop noticing it. It got to the point where I would point and yell, "Oh! Dong!" when one appeared on screen. I searched online for horror movies with full frontal male nudity and ran into the same things over and over:
- Gigantic IMDB lists of nudity that included butts (thus flooding the selection to the point of uselessness)
- interviews with current actors about doing full frontal (Shout out to the guy from Midsommar, but that's not what I'm looking for)
- Lists of movies from any genre with male nudity/full frontal (Shout out to Harvey Keitel's wang)
- Lists of horror movies with full frontal, but most/all the entries are women.
I cried out to the heavens:
Since I was already keeping a list of all the movies I watched I just started adding a little 🍆 to the list if a dong appeared, and because it's an extremely frequent companion to the horror-dong, I started adding a 🔪 when the dong was subjected to extreme violence.
The criteria
Pretty simple: To earn the coveted eggplant emoji badge it has to be 1) recognizable as a penis, and 2) on-screen for more than a nanosecond. Rewinding and pausing is fine, but there has to be visible dong. I'm pretty sure my list also includes some balls, but please: I am a connoisseur, and thus only add balls to the list if they're noteworthy enough to compensate for lack of dong.
The knife emoji is doled out with great care: A mere kick to the dick isn't enough. Most entries with the knife badge involve severed penises and/or balls, but any kind of elevated violence will do. Examples from the list include a penis being set on fire, chewed off by a zombie mid-blowjob (two separate movies!), and exploding from giving birth.
- ABCs of Death
- A Field in England
- Alucarda
- Ash Vs. Evil Dead 🔪
- Attack the Block
- Blood Quantum 🔪
- Body Melt
- Cabinet of Curiosities
- Castle Freak 🔪
- Cemetery Man
- The Core (Ep. 4) 🔪
- Deadloch
- Death Drop Gorgeous
- Def by Temptation
- Dream Home 🔪
- Eyes of Fire
- The Flesh and Blood Show
- Hostel 2 🔪
- I Am A Ghost
- Infinity Pool
- It Follows
- It Hatched
- Kill List
- The Love Witch
- Men
- Midsommar
- The Mortuary Collection 🔪
- Pieces
- Prevenge 🔪
- Poultrygeist
- Sleepaway Camp
- Speak No Evil
- The Greasy Strangler
- The Stepfather
- The Taint 🔪
- Teeth🔪
- Terror Firmer
- The Untamed
- Yummy 🔪
- X
The question mark emoji ❓ is for movies that I think had dong but I don't remember and can't be bothered to rewatch:
- A Serbian Film ❓
- Bloodsucking Freaks ❓
- From Beyond ❓
- Torso ❓
Dishonorable Mentions, AKA the Disappointment Zone
Given my high demands of dong quality, I never thought I'd bother with a "You tried" section, but sometimes you can see the spirit was there even if something, most likely cowardice, kept the filmmakers from attaining greatness. You enacted great dick violence, you maybe even showed a bloody chunk of goop, but there was something missing; the essence of the dong, a certain je ne sais quois, was absent.
You disappoint me.
I would give you a raspberry emoji but apparently there isn't one, so you get this rolled-up newspaper instead: 🗞️, which symbolizes me bonking you over the head until you put better dong in your movies.
- Terrifier 2 🗞️
As you can see, the list is woefully small. If you have a submission or correction, feel free to send it on over to my Tumblr (no account necessary). At some point I'll rig up some kinda proper submission form here but this will have to do for now.
